Security Guards That Make Me Feel Unsafe (the Fatty)

There is a group of security guards at my work building. Most are fine.. but there are 2 that really stand out. For sake of easy-reading, one of them, i'll call Fatty; the other, i'll call Nasty.

Fatty is the better one of the two. He is nice in an annoying kind of way. Sometimes, when I leave to go home, I walk past the security desk, and he'll say "hey hey hey!! wait wait!" So I turn back around and ask "What?"

Usually, it turns out that he wants to give me something... Some of the things he offers to give me are:

• Bread from bakery
• Cookies
• Face Soap
• Microwavable plastic containers
• Mugs

The only thing I've ever taken from him is the face soap, because that time I left with my coworker and he offered it to us, and she took one, so I kinda had to take it too. Fine. Whatever. So every single day after that, every night I walk out of the building, the conversation would go like this....

Fatty: Did you use the soap yet?

Me: No, not yet.

Fatty: After you use it, let me know if it's good.

This occurred for a good week and a half. And finally, one day I got fed up, so I lied...

Fatty: Did you use the soap yet?

Me: Yes.

Fatty: Is it good? Do you like it?

Me: Yeah it's not bad.

Fatty: Do you want more? I have a few more...

Me: No, thanks.

Fatty: Ok well if you want more later, let me know.

Me: (????????)

What the hell? It's just soap. How can you be sooo annoying over one piece of soap? Nelson says that it's jxxx soap.

Sometimes, the conversation goes like this:

Fatty: I think your hair looks good like that. You look more womanly.

Me: ehhh.. ok

Fatty: No really, I think you should wear your hair like this more often.

Me: K bye.

or this:

Fatty: I think you've been wearing beautiful makeup lately.

Me: (???????) K bye.

PS. Fatty is around 40-45 years old. I think because he is fatter, makes him seem less perverted and sly, although stuff he says (or gives me) still makes me go (???????).

PPS. The story of the Nasty will make its debut next weekend. He is creepos. Forreals.